If I Ruled the World - Part 1

Rick James had them. Charlie Murphy had them...Rick James even said that Charlie Murphy had them. While I'm at it, Charles Manson had them too. No, I'm not talking about wild sex parties or the occasional dabbling in hard drugs. I'm talking about delusions of grandeur...mostly ones that involve world domination. Hey, let's be real--power is intoxicating, but I'd much rather get high off that than rocks. Every Mogul rules the world in some small sense. Here's a few of my thoughts. Enter the mind of a Mogul.


I would own the Lakers, and Kobe would have Won MVP a long time ago. The haters know it. They just won't show it. Either way, KG, Jesus Shuttlesworth, and Paul Pierce are gettin it in the Finals. It'll be like the 80s all over again, minus Larry Bird running his mouth and the consecutive L's year after year.


Remy Ma would be able to marry Papoose from jail. Hip Hop needs all the help it can get. Good to see a dude stand by his chick. Thug Matrimony sells better than rocks.


Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey would be sent to a deserted island...Just to see if their "love" is real.


Obama F. Baby would be President. What you think I wanna run this country? No thanks. In good corporate fashion, I'll outsource that job to Barack, throw his campaign some stacks, and enjoy the $5,000 a plate benefit dinners.

This would be me.

"50 Cent, the man who made a reported $200 million from his deal with Vitamin Water, is now said to be in negotiations with the Rupert Murdoch founded News Corp for a reported $300 million. According to ThisIs50.com, the deal would go into effect in 2009, in which News Corp would take a large stake in all aspects of the 50 Cent brand.
The deal would help launch the company’s MySpace Records, as 50 and his G-Unit roster would move under the label’s umbrella. Sources say half the deal will be in stock, in which 50 Cent would become one of the largest shareholders of News Corp.
Also under the deal, 50’s online community, ThisIs50.com, would be acquired by News Corp, his touring would be marketed through and sold via the company, and would also include a G-Unit book deal, and music publishing for 50 and the artists under his label.”

I can't stand Fif, but his Pringles must be ridiculous. Props to Bossip for the link.

That's all for now. The fact that I actually wanted to be 50 Cent for a moment just made me throw up in my mouth a little.

UPDATE: Turns out this little shenanigan was false. Good. I can go back to respecting myself, not waging beef with rappers better than me,....and using regular dental floss instead of shoelaces again.

The Weekend Update

When you're a Mogul, chances are your job consists of telling people what to do all the time ala The 4 Hour Work Week so you can make that 3 o'clock tee time with your Mogul buddies and still catch Sportcenter, or for all you Mogulettes, hit Rodeo Drive in time to make it home to watch The Hills and make fun of LC and her girlfriends...with your girlfriends. It all can get so tiring.

After a seriously productive working Saturday, what do I do? Despite the Good Lord designating the day as one of rest, I topped myself, and made it action-packed...with fun, of course.
If you haven't seen Iron Man yet, we can't be friends. Every Mogul on the planet needs to see this movie. Tony Stark is my Hero. Techno-Mogul, Billionaire, Playboy, and Alcoholic. Stan Lee stole my life story...and my Armor Suit. I'm expecting royalties stacks any day now along with my George Dubya stimulus package check. Or you can just give me that extra suit you got lyin around that Rhoady's tryna get his hands on and we'll call it even.

I also got to see my Wifey in concert...She was as amazing as ever. Ne-yo was there too, so I guess me and my date were on some secret lover shit...I knew you weren't just going "to the bathroom" right after he finished his set. It's fine. Me and Alicia were texting each other the whole show...Good thing I wrote her number down from "Diary" before they took it out of the song. I won't tell.

Shouts to the dude on rocks who was next to us. I never knew an Alicia Keys concert could be so...hyphy.

Moguls Gone Wrong - Wesley Snipes

Just when you thought your Pringles were safe, Wesley Snipes aka Mr. Always Bet on Black, had to go and f it all up for honest, tax-avoiding paying Moguls.

Hours before he was to be sentenced Thursday for failing to file income taxes, Wesley Snipes cut the federal government three checks for $5 million and delivered them in court, according to reports.

The actor and the IRS still must determine how much he owes - plus interest and penalties – after he was found guilty on three counts of willfully failing to file tax returns. He was sentenced Thursday to three years in prison.

Snipes' $15 million payment took prosecutors by surprise. They initially declined to accept the cash, then had changed their mind by day's end.

Reading from a prepared apology, Snipes told the court that he made "costly mistakes" and was the victim of crooked advisers, a liability of wealth and celebrity that attracts "wolves and jackals like flies are attracted to meat."

"I am an idealistic, naive, passionate, truth-seeking, spiritually motivated artist, unschooled in the science of law and finance," Snipes said.

He remains free for the time being and will be notified when it's time to surrender to authorities. Defense attorney Carmen Hernandez signaled in court that Snipes would pursue an appeal.

Well it looks like Uncle Sam is about to need plenty of napkins after gettin his greasy hands all over Wes' Pringles. Snipes handed him over $15 million like he was getting his lunch money took. White Men Can't Jump, But apparently, Black Men Can't Pay Taxes. Three years in Club Fed is a long time to contemplate the value of a good accountant...and grill hot links with Ronald Isley in a plush fur.

Moguls Need Love Too - Kanye vs Jay-Z

Just when all the Stans thought Kanye and Alexis were the new Jay-Z and Beyonce, Yeezy, like he is known to do, flipped her ass like an Al Green sample. Seems his Glow in the Dark Tour (which was so good I'm going twice) is his new focus now. I don't blame him...Theres no way Alexis could compete against a show that dope. However...

The Chicago Sun-Times quotes a "close friend" of Kanye West and his ex-fiancée Alexis Phifer who says their split may not be as final as recent reports suggest.

According to the newspaper's Bill Zwecker, the source said Tuesday: "I'm not convinced they are truly, totally over. They have had their ups and downs and, sure, things aren't working for them now. But I still think at some point Kanye will realize this is a great girl. She knew him before he had really hit it big — though he was on his way. It's the ones who were there with you, before fame hit, that make the best friends — and best partners in life."

I'm a little disappointed...this was the flyest couple in the game. As much as I hope they work it out, I don't care how much taller than Ye Alexis is. His Pringle stacks after this tour will make her look like shes standing next to the Burj Dubai. Sad to see things go that way...Strap it up Ye...you keep hittin that and Alexis will be getting her Kim Porter on in no time.

On a lighter note, Jigga & B are OFFICIALLY married. Jigga probably wanted to wait for the lawyers to finish drafting the preunps before he signed his life away. Don't get me wrong, Beyonce is gorgeous beyond measure. These too have been destined by the stars to be together. We all saw this coming. Its just that with the way some of these trifflin chicks get down these days, no Mogul's stacks can be too safe.

Kanyizzle might have bested Jay as his protege musically (sorta), but Looks like the Old Head still pulls rank with his Power Couple steeze.

Moguls Need Love Too - Stacey Dash

Now HERE's a woman a that would make a Mogul up his Pringle Game real quick. Not content to remain my old-school teenage crush any longer, Stacey Dash aka Dion from Clueless aka the new Black Demi Moore is Killin the Wifey Game at FORTY!

Yes, forty.

Ma you're looking on point these days. After living a life of dating young gold-digging video girls, cougars, and the occasional reality show reject (who was REALLY looking for love this time, seriously), Dion, I still love you. For you, I'm ready to retire the jersey and get my Ashton Kutcher on. I'm glad you finally kicked Murray's trifflin ass to the curb and stepped up your Wifey Steeze. Your timing couldn't be better. At 25, My Mogul Steeze is off the chain in this Springtime weather, and I got the ducats you need to promote your new lingerie line, Letters of Marque. I love how you even knew to name it after ya boi. Just make sure I get to see you in those samples first.

Even though we were made for each other, don't make me wait in vain for your love...By the looks of things, you've got at LEAST another good ten years and I'm a patient Mogul. My Pringle Stacks have you name all over them. And since you're mounting a comeback, Let Me Be Your Manager.